Tearing down the walls

Well, it happened – I fell off the wagon.

A little back story. When I started on this journey, I began watching a lot of videos on personal development. I came across a man by the name of Brendon Burchard. It was actually through his video that I was introduced to Jim Rohn.

Anyways, Brendon was talking about making a list of your goals. He said to take a piece of paper, draw a line down the middle, and on the left you were to write down your goals. It doesn’t matter how big or small or silly the goal may seem – write it down. Write down the goals you want to accomplish today, this week, this month, this year, and many years from now. Then, on the right side, write down your accomplishments. Everything you have done to bring yourself closer to reaching your goals. Again, write down everything, both big and small. Eventually, your list of accomplishments will be bigger than your goals.

So, I did this very thing. Once I had done this, I noticed things starting to change. It seemed as though everything was aligning to bring me towards my goals. This was a great thing, but it’s also what led to my downfall. There was so much changing in such a short period of time, and I got really stressed out. These changes that I’m facing require a serious mental shift, which terrified me, and that’s where the wall of resistance hit. Everything was so new to me. It’s not something I had ever been through in my life, and I have no idea how to navigate this new territory.

With all of these changes happening I started to develop shortness of breath, which lasted about a week. I remember having the same thing happen when I moved away for college – the doctor said it was caused by stress. While this was happening, my husband and I decided I would stop working out until it passed. Once that had passed, everything spiraled out of control.

I’ll be honest with you, through most of my teenage years – if not all – I suffered through some pretty serious depression. My past has not been pretty, and life has thrown a lot of curve balls my way. Thankfully, I managed to pull myself out of that. Even though I would consider my life to be good at the moment, it’s not without its struggles. This past year has been especially difficult with the immigration process and moving to the United States. It has put a ton of barriers in my way. With all of these new changes on top of that, I got so overwhelmed, and I allowed myself to slip back into that dark hole. That’s not somewhere I want to be again.

So, this morning while I was eating breakfast, I Googled “How to pull yourself out of depression.” I opted for a video. Of course, there were tons to choose from. I decided to follow my gut, and I chose one that stood out to me. It just so happened that particular video, at that particular moment, was exactly what I needed to hear.

I’ve come to the realization that in order to move forward and make progress, I’m going to have to face my past and deal with my underlying issues. I need to let go and heal myself. I’ve decided I’m going to create another blog – an anonymous one – and use that to write about my past. There are many things that have happened to me that I would like a certain level of anonymity around.

This journey is not going to be an easy one – but sometimes the hardest things are the ones worth fighting for. For now, I need to muster up my courage to face my fears. Watch out world – I’m going to come out on the other side swinging.

One down … Many more to go!

I had intended on writing a post yesterday, but I was so busy I never got the chance to. Friday was my first real 30 minute workout, and I’m proud of myself for making a point of getting up early and getting my workout in.

My husband and I were about an hour and a half from home for the majority of the day, and because of this we ended up eating out. Brian got his Wendy’s, but I went into the grocery store that was in the same plaza and picked up a salad (I wasn’t really interested in the ones Wendy’s had on their menu). I’ve been working really hard at eating healthier, and I felt good that I was sticking to that.

Anyways, back to the workout … This one was a full body workout, and it was what Nike calls “Sweat and Shape 2.0”. Man, did it ever deliver! Well, it delivered on the sweat part anyways – the shape I’ll have to be a little more patient for. I found it to be a bit of a tough workout, but I gave it my all. I definitely need to improve my upper body and core strength.

I have to say – I hate burpees. I remember doing burpees several years ago when I was working out consistently, and I hated them back then too. Let’s just say, a lot of colourful language was used.

And never mind the side planks – No matter how hard I tried, I just could not lift myself off the ground. Maybe next time!

Well, I’m going to keep this short. My next workout is tomorrow. This one is only 15 minutes, but is more focused on core strength.

See you then!

Struggles and Humiliation

I was going to wait until Friday to post, after I had completed my first 30 minute workout, but in short … I lied (unintentionally).

I told myself when I started this that I was going to keep an honest account of my journey. This includes my successes, my struggles, and yes, my humiliations.

Let’s start with the struggles.

I’ve decided that I’m not going to go on some fad diet, or starve myself to lose weight. I’m simply going to make better, smarter choices. I don’t need to drop 20-30 pounds in one month and do God knows what to my body in the process. I really just want to not jiggle anymore, but I want to get there in a healthy way. Anyways, I’m saying no to fast food and junk food.

And here’s where part of my struggles lie. I know I haven’t even gotten to my first “real” workout yet, but I have been trying to eat healthier, and in the process have been getting cravings for junk, mainly chocolate bars.

Now let’s take a look at what’s in my pantry.

Favourite chocolate bar: Coffee Crisp.
Favourite chips: Ketchup.

Check and check.

That’s four family size bags of ketchup chips and four 4-packs of coffee crisp.

These are Canadian things, you can’t get these in the US. So, my dad brought me a little stock pile when he came down to visit earlier this month. The sad thing is, there used to be five of each.

Yesterday I almost fell into my usual trap of grabbing a Coffee Crisp or some form of junk when I start to have the munchies. I kind of feel I’m the cookie monster and have been told I can’t have anymore cookies. I’m really hoping this feeling passes, otherwise I’ll have to lock the goodies away and tell my husband to hide the key.

Moving along …

I told you the other day about my love for curly fries, and my husband asking if I wanted Arby’s for dinner. Well, attack of the curly fries strikes again.

My husband calls me on his way home from work (he works weird hours), and it goes a little something like this:

Hey sweetie, do you want me to pick up Arby’s for lunch?

Hesitation. Sigh. No.

Not even a curly fry and nothing else?

No.

Not even a pizza slider and nothing else?

No.

All the while my inner fat girl is screaming YES!

Fast forward an hour later. I’m in the kitchen making hummus (I found this great recipe: https://www.thewholesomedish.com/simple-hummus-without-tahini/). I thought it would be a good thing to put in a wrap with veggies, or to have as a snack instead of junk food, and once again the subject come up:

My husband: What do you want for dinner? Or do you want to just do something easy?

Well, what do you mean by easy?

I know what you want. You want a junior bacon cheeseburger from Wendy’s.

No, I don’t.

We could go to Arby’s.

No.

Maybe later after you finish working on your job we can go to Wendy’s and get a frosty or something.

I don’t really want to.

Needless to say, it’s very difficult trying to stay on the right track, when it seems like everything is trying to push you in the other direction.

Now we get into the humiliation part of things.

When I had gotten dressed yesterday, I decided to wear a shirt that I hadn’t worn in a while. It’s a bit closer fitting, half sleeve.

Later that night, I go to get changed for bed. Normally with that shirt, I have to hold on to the end of one of the sleeves and pull my arm out. Well, I tried that … My arm wouldn’t come out. I mean, it wouldn’t even budge. Not even a little bit.

Okay. Well, let me try to lift it from the bottom. Nope. Nada.

At this time, my husband was in our bedroom, I was in our bathroom. He hears my muttering to myself behind the door, and being the curious man he is, he asks what’s wrong.

I can’t get my shirt off!

Ha ha … No, seriously?

Seriously, I can’t get my shirt off. I need you to help me get my shirt off.

What? Seriously?

Yes, seriously.

So, after demonstrating how I couldn’t get my shirt off, I had to lift my arms up and have my husband take it off for me.

I’ve never had any issues with this shirt before, but as I said, it’s been a while since I’ve worn it. Not only have I put weight in my belly, and my thighs, but my arms have also gained some fat.

Although I was embarrassed, I was also very happy that I had turned down fast food, and gained validation that this journey I’m on is the best thing for me. I’m sure there will be many more obstacles down the road, but I’m going to take it one day at a time.

See you next time!